Tuesday, December 07, 2010

Winter has finally arrived! It has gone from gentle flirtations of cold days and flurries to banging on our door like a scorned lover by giving us about a foot of snow in just over 24 hours. I love this season. Seconded to only summer, it is the season for hats and scarves and sleds and dreaming. When I was young I would wake up and sprint the few short steps to the window to lay eyes on the newly formed thick blanket of white, spread out upon the ground like a heavy duvet on a king size bed. I would long for the outdoors, long to be lost in snow’s wonder and beauty, seeing how it changed the landscape and made all things soft and approachable. That little girl has never left and remains in my bones today. Once free from work, yesterday, this little girl bolted home, donned boots and a hat and went for a walk. Giddy with every step she lost track of time and despite the mess in her apartment, the dishes that were piled in her sink and the dinner that was not yet even taken out of the freezer, she was gone for more than two hours.

As I wandered the streets in the snow and marveled at how empty and changed the city was I knew that I was at the mercy of a creative God and was deeply humbled by His jealous love and furious longing. I figured that this walk was a good opportunity to just have a good chat with God and catch up, as these past few months have left me with few words and not much strength to speak them with. I started off being thankful, I guess because that was how I was taught to pray. You get God’s attention when you flatter his ego and remind Him how good He has been to you lately in hopes that He might come to your aid or give you more. As usual I started off with the superficial things, money to pay rent, a warm bed…my hat…my ill-fitting jacket…salvation and, finally, snow. But when I got to the snow part everything changed. It was almost as though God was waiting for me to run out of superficial things to thank Him for, for me to just stand there awkwardly as I tried to come up with something to fill the silence, because that was when He broke through. It was like he had said that He sent the snow because He knew that I needed to see something other than the rain that had been falling on my soul in the midst of the troubles that this fall had afforded me. It was as if He had peeled back the curtain and I could all at once see His creativity and greatness.

Snow is simply rain redefined into tiny crystals that collect on the ground and change the landscape. I began to ask God what kind of miracle this was, I mean it was only water and as my heart began to get bored with the conversation, it was like God was saying, “You can be busy all you want and fill your life with things that have no real purpose, but if I want I can slow you down and make all that is important to you change at a moments notice.” As I shook off the fear of that thought I began to see that it was true. People had come into the city that morning with a purpose and a sense of urgency, they had lists, appointments and deadlines and within a few hours it had all fallen apart. Where there was urgency, a sense of slowness had taken over, where there was appointments a longing for home had developed and as I took a good look around I realized that the city was eerily empty. It was amazing for me to think that in this huge city, filled with people going all over the place, bowing to their agendas and worshipping their busyness, the God of all had broken through and quieted it. It was scary and eye opening at the same time because I realized that even my own plans had been changed that afternoon because of the snow.

At that point the conversation in my heart went something like this. “Okay God, that is pretty cool. Thanks for that.” But as I crossed the street I knew that there was something more that God wanted to show me. And that just as He had used to snow to gear down the roaring city He was about to do the same with me. Without my permission He reached into my heart and began to show me what I think He had been longing to show me for months. The truth is I have always believed that God with me, that He will never leave me, that I will never be alone and that when I face my darkest days He is there standing beside me. But I have never really understood the concept that He is in me and I in Him. Last year I tried to so hard to understand this concept and to live it but to no avail. But in this moment I began to truly understand.

A few days back I had expressed to a friend how I wished that I were talented and beautiful and someone who could be desired. This conversation came back to me in that moment and I knew what I had said was wrong. I knew that if God had exchanged His life for mine then what I had just done was call him untalented, unbeautiful and undesirable. Imagine that. The God that sent the snow that now covered an entire city and was capable of slowing its pace was, in my eyes, untalented and undesirable. The God that was creative enough to give us snow in the first place was stripped bare of all His beauty in just a simple conversation. Simply because I had failed to see that He was the same God who lived and breathed in me and that it was no longer I who lived my life but Him. My heart was truly grieved at the thought of this and I wondered at what had caused me to think this way. As I walked the few blocks left to my apartment buildling I asked myself what was it that had me so scared about being beautiful, talented and desired? As I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor and walked down my hallway I realized that if I truly believed that I was all of these things simply because He had made it so, I would have to live differently. I would have to live as one who had worth, beauty, talent and the like. I would have to give up my pursuit of finding all of those things in temporary places and find it in what truly matters, the words spoken by a savior who gave His life so that mine could have meaning. I would have to give the death penalty to all those lies that I had let in my heart and believe, even though the world doesn’t want me to and there is a hesitation in my typing even now, that I am beautiful, talented and worthy of so much more than I give myself credit for. I would have to die in the arms of the God who pursues so that all of who He is can shine through me as He resuscitates my stilled heart. And I know that death scares me.

But the more I think, the more I realize how important and true that idea is. In old English a slang term for sex is actually “dying inside each other”. Ponder that for a second. As awkward as that may be to think about, there is no greater physical intimacy than sex, it is as close as two humans can come to breaking the laws of physics and occupying the same space. Which, in its essence is not unlike this idea of an indwelling God. To die means to be in complete union. One. Which is where I know I must be headed if this journey with me and my God will ever have longevity. If I will ever find any worth or beauty or talent for myself it will only be when I die to where my flesh wants to go and let Jesus live my life and shine where perhaps I cannot. As I sat on my bed and watched the snow fall I began to cry at how beautiful that whole concept was. How Jesus had humbled Himself from Heaven to meet me on the Cross where I was already dying and take my place so that He could give me victory and His life. His. Life. Not mine, that flounders when turmoil hits, that flutters from lover to lover, that needs constant approval and attention to be found beautiful, but His life that is abundant, beautiful simply because He wills it so and constant because He is rooted in something other than the landslide that is this world. That is what I want, and that is what I have now that I understand that it is no longer me who is living.

I died last night and what amazing freedom to know it. Now when I meet someone on the street I pray that they would meet Jesus in my clothing, when I deal with that guy at work who makes me so angry I just want to cry may He be met with the compassion of Jesus, when I look in the mirror and beat myself down because I am soon to be 24 and still have acne and haven’t lost a single pound in more than 6 months may Jesus look back at me and tell me that I am beautiful simply because He is and now lives inside me, when I am tempted to down play all of my strengths and capabilities may I be reminded that who I am really tearing down is the God who gave them to me in the first place.

And from now on when it snows, may I be reminded of the walk that lead to my new found freedom in death and the reality that no matter how busy we are and no matter how many things are on our to do list we are all at the mercy of a God who has the means and creative power to step in and change our course and quiet us. May death no longer hold any fear for me, because I am already dead, ready to be made alive again in oneness with my risen and indwelling Savior. May His light be what shines through me, may His beauty become my beauty, His love, my love. And most importantly, may His life become my life and He lives and breathes in my place. May I die happy, knowing that to live life any other way would be foolishness.