letting my guard down

Here I am. Late at night, nothing but the glow of my computer screen and speakers. Nothing but the noise of Dakona playing softly in the background. It might be that I am tired, it might be that I haven't eaten much today, it may even be the thoughts swirling around like snowflakes in my head. Whatever it is that makes me feel this way--it makes me feel lost within myself. Like some kind of painting that isn't completed yet, or a photograph partially developed. Maybe the most detrimental thing to do is to stay in this place but I like it. It reminds me of playing with a bruise, how you poke it and it hurts but only a little. A kind of bittersweet. Whatever it is I feel as though I am lost, as though I am dying and as though I am reaching out for some unattainable goal. Like a jewel beyond my reach, something just out mind. I feel as though I am captive and it is now that I have earned temporary parole. I feel like a prisoner set from my cell, but the weight of the now absent shackles are felt around my wrists and ankles and my heart knows that come morning I shall be bound again. I wish that I could have someone to share these moments with. Moments like the lingering of an almost kiss. Moments of touching God and Earth, of floating and hitting the ceiling. I feel hope and at the same time doomed to walk this earth alone. I long to dance, not to any hip hop beat, but to tune of my heart beating close to someone else's. Some talk about God as a lover, as the most passionate and valiant of beaus, but I just can't. Maybe that is my problem. To me He is savior and guide, yes I love Him and I know of His deep love for me. But to me He is Father and friend. Someone to lead me down the aisle, not someone to for me to join when I have walked it. I want a love in this world. Someone to hold and share the calm of midnight with. Will that come? Or will all my dreams end with me. Will I dance alone, like my nana on the night of my grandpa's funeral? An image that has stuck fresh in my mind for almost ten years now. Calm, serene and beautiful is how she looked that night- I'll always remember her strength as she laid her husband in the ground.
Maybe I will dance, just me and my Father, my Savior. Dance the night away.
Finally some movement in the stillness.
For tomorrow I will wake up and all will have moved on. Might as well savor it all now.

Songs in my pocket, songs in my pocket, songs in my pocket!!

Put your IPOD on random. For every song that plays, write about who, or what, it reminds you of. Or what this song signifies. 9 songs later, you may be nostalgic...or maybe inspired.



Grace Like a River-Delirous. This song reminds me of Delirious concerts with Melissa Wilson, over priced concert merchandise and a wierd dance team that really made no sense and of course the never-ending grace of an ever-loving savior. How his grace washes over us always.

My Heavenly- Jars Of Clay. This one brings me back to a time of feeling lost, and then found. And in that finding purpose in life--even in the smallest thing. In my mind I picture a driving down a long dirt road all alone, only to meet my one true love and fly above it all.

Let It Be- The Beatles. Just calm and peace is what this reminds me of. Of finding inspiration in a guitar solo. Reminds me of my graduation and knowing that now I must step into the real world and let all that has past be and just let it rest. It also reminds me of a bride walking down the aisle to her soon to be husband. I want to walk down the aisle to this song!

I so hate consequences- Relient K. Just that-- it reminds me of all of the bullsh*t I have pulled in my life and how time and time again I can shy away of what I want and what is required of me. It's a place of being sorry and catching up with my actions.

Girls & Boys- Good Charlotte. Reminds me of head banging, driving over the speed limit, and singing the wrong lyrics. Also it reminds me of watching late night Much Music with Emma.

Will I- Rent. This song is quite simple. The only lines are: Will I lose my dignity? Will someone care? Will I wake tomorrow from this nightmare? Very powerful. It reminds me of Jesus' final night on this earth and the questions and uncertainty He faced. It reminds me of His grief and sorrow.

Shipwreck-Starfield. This song reminds me of the past few years of life. Coming back to God in a whole new way and trading all that I have for Him and His plan for me.

Sanctus- Drentch. Deep, Deep worship. Just stillness, just my heart speaking and connecting with God.

Sweet Home Alabama- Lynyrd Skynyrd. Ummm, Jamming on the Guitar. Alexis White, and of course Forrest Gump.

untitled

I love airports!! Absolutely love them! They are the doorsteps to the world. They are the gates to all that I want to see. African Savannahs, Mayan Ruins, the French Riviera, the Nile, the Mediterranean Sea! Ohhh, so wonderful. The world at your finger tips. But also so depressing. So close and yet so far away. As Juliet once described, like a child that has new clothes for a festival, but cannot wear them. Almost like a kid in a candy store too short to reach the gummies on the top shelf. How sad, to be arms length away from your dream, your dependency and not quite reach it. Close enough to be enveloped by the smell of delight but not feel the warm, smooth melt in your mouth. How tragic. The worst kind of disappointment. I think that is where I am today. Have you ever wanted something so desperately that it consumes your very core? You would give up your life; literally lay it down, to have but one taste. Would you walk away from your family, friends, comforts, and job? I would. Have you ever wanted something so bad that it is the first thought when you wake up and the last thought before you go to sleep, and after that it even lingers around in your dreams?
Here is my problem. I want this thing so bad, but I'm afraid to ask God for it. Afraid that He will say no, afraid that He will give anything but His blessing. I can't stand another closed door. I'm at my wits end. I can't move forward without His blessing, but I'm afraid to ask. I know that He would lead me somewhere else if I said no, but can my tiny little finite mind understand His firm but loving hand as He says no and closes the portal? I don't think I can. So here I sit, on the edge of wanting, but having no courage to stand up and say that this is what I want and ask for an answer. Furthermore, I am afraid that He will say yes. Then I will truly have to put my money where my mouth is. I will have to walk away from my family, friends and comforts and get on that plane and not look back. Am I strong enough? Can my heart handle that? It is easier said than done to put all of your faith in something that is unknown.
I will I ever have enough courage?
I'm terrified.

Breaking News!!

Well. It is official. I am a dork. I joined the hordes of other dorks, yesterday, as we lined up to take----- SUMMER SCHOOL!! Because year-round learning should be a staple. None of this half-ass September to May garbage. And to top it all off, what exactly am I taking? Political Sciences and History. Everyone give me a round of applause because you are looking at an all-new Dork Dara!
The classes are actually fun. I really enjoy them. I just think I'm crazy to be taking two 8:30 am classes in the summer. Oh well. At least I'll be done by Mid-June!
Wish me luck today--I have my review at work, with both owners and the manager. A little nervous....
Oh well.
It's nap time.
Catch you later.