This morning...

This morning at work three men were in the diner. It was about 4:30/4:45ish. I was flying around finishing up what I needed to do so that when my boss came in the restaurant was in top shape. To be completely honest, I can't stand any of the men that were there. All of them come in quite often and everytime they do I find myself rolling my eyes and wishing that they would just go away. The other waitresses and cooks do the same. Not that that excuses what I do, but that is just how we all feel about them. One of the men that comes in always has a story (or ten) about the incompetency of the police and his admiration of drug dealers and pimps. He says that prostitutes get what they deserve. That gay men should be drawn and quartered (that THE nice way of putting it) and that police officers should just hand over their guns to men like him so that they can shoot them and we can all rely on his version of street justice. The second man comes in and always harrasses me about giving him free food and coffee because he brings the Province paper that someone leaves on his porch every morning. Third man always comes in and he demands the best service regardless of what I am doing or how busy I am. He mocks me and everytime he comes to the till to pay he refuses to hand over the money, or his VISA card or whatever method of payment he has that day.
Am I painting a good enough picture for you? Can you understand why I was in such a foul mood this morning? To make matters worse they all get along really well and they always have the most perverse conversations across the diner forcing me to hear about things that I really don't want to repeat on this blog. Anger started to build as they kept talking and we constantly in my way and asking for more coffee when they had just taken two sips from their mugs. As I startted to fume and get frustrated I stepped out on the back step to catch my breath and pretend to take my garbage out. As my anger exploded to the heavens and I told God that I didn't what them in MY diner and that He should just kill me now or make them all go away I noticed something. Did you catch it? Lets rewind a bit shall we? Walking outside I told God that I didn't want them in MY diner (mistake number one, did yah catch that?) and that He better just kill me now (mistake number two, who am I to tell God what to do with the life that I have given Him?) and that he should just make them go away (mistake number three, doesn't God love all of His children? Who am I to presume that I am above them?)
God has placed a desire in me to go to Africa and show my love for Ugandans by offering my support and helping to end the terrible war that is raveging the very soul of that country. But how can I claim to love them when love isn't a part of my daily life? How can I love people I've never met if I don't love the people who are sitting right in front of me? How on earth can I be this selfish? I am ashamed, utterly horrified. What happened? My own soul disgusts me sometimes.

** Lord Jesus help me to be more loving, especially with people that seem to be incredibly unloveable. Let it be your love not mine that flows from my lips and extends from my arms and actions. Teach me how to be your humble servant in whatever situation. I want to be mre like you, please give the will to do so. Embody me, surround me and be patient with this sometimes unwilling heart of mine! I love you.**

Purpose...

I feel like everything in the past couple of weeks has just clicked. Like I've finally heard what God has been saying, no SCREAMING at me for years. I feel like my life has finally been given a purpose. The vision for my life is to lose it and to lose in IDP camps in Uganda. God has been bringing this up within me for years now and I just can't ingnore it. Africa has become a trend these days, a politically correct way for the world to think beyong its own backyard and start thinking about what lies beyond. What happens when the trend ends? Well, somethings in Africa may be changed but in general that means alot of people will walk away from what they once stood for. For me that isn't the case, I will still be taking a stand for Uganda when very little are. This is something that is woven into my very core. Every morning I wake up and I realize just how comfy life has become. I am in a postion were I can't ignore this any longer.


**BAAAA, what am I supposed to do? Why won't You let me go to Africa. Why God, why? Why do all of my efforts prove worthless and nothing pans out? How am I supposed to do this? Would you just show me how I am supooed to get there? You know the desires of my heart Lord, you have put them there. What am I supposed to do with them? Please help...**

Night Commute

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Take one laying down on April 28th 2007.

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Sadness...

Well it is now time for me to join the thousands of people that have failed their road test. That is right folks, before you is a 20 year old who still needs a ride from her parents everywhere she goes. It is pretty frustrating. I really thought that I had a shot. I guess I'll have to wait and try again. Hopefully next time I will pass. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I'm just tired of this. My examiner said that everything was great and that I am a great driver but because I hesitated turning left at a VERY BUSY intersection I failed. I guess I learned my lesson, it just doesn't seem fair. Maybe next time................

TRI



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Children are not soldiers, nor should they be made mothers. The war in Uganda must end. Joseph Kony's reign of terror must not go by silently. Take action...

Random dis-connectedness

As I lay here awake...I can't help but think. Think about life and God and art and music and pretty much everything else. I can't help but think about the way that life makes me feel, about how God makes me feel and art and music and pretty much everything else. For the past couple of months I've felt oppressed. Not an on the surface oppression, but a just beneath the surface oppression. I've been asking a lot of the hard questions lately, but not out loud. Never out loud, not even the smallest trace of a breath or even a whisper. Afraid that somehow my insecurity will over take me, and this vulnerability will take control. That somehow I will lose and these questions and thoughts won't stop. I feel like a kid who has been told to clean her room and instead of putting things away I've stashed them in the closet and now it's inspection time and my closet is threatening to betray me with every breath I take. I've really been questioning what it is to live as a Christian and how all of that fits into this world- or should the world fit into my living as Christian? I'm beginning to wonder if how I've been living and how we all have been living is exactly like Christ intended us to live. Recently I'm beginning to think that the opposite is true. I think that we have mashed up all of our human expectations and ideals and have projected them onto a God that stands for something different than what we claim. What is a Christian....I haven't the faintest idea and yet I stand before the world and tell them that I am one. I feel squished on all sides and strangely enough not from the world but from the limits that seem to be put on my title as a Christian. It's like I've traded everything I have for this. In a sense that is true, I have traded my life, my dreams, hopes and choices to follow my God but I didn't do it for a simple existence I did it for a life. Christ came so that I could have life in abundance and as I look around I don't see anyone in my circle of fellow Christians living life to the point of abundance or even making plans of doing so. All I see is a bunch of people sitting around with their noses in their Bibles keeping to the letter of the Law. I find myself running in the other direction. I am faced daily with the stereotype that as a Christian girl I am just waiting around for my husband instead of living and dreaming. Everywhere I look I am asked, "So are you a Bible-thumper?" (Would someone please explain to me what this is!!) And to tell the truth, I haven't cracked the sucker in a good couple of months.
I haven't written in my prayer journal since September 30th. There are moments in my life where I am so angry that my language could make a sailor blush. I drink, despite my mother's wishes. I've come to think, even though in no way do I condone this, that women should have a choice to have an abortion or not. I don't think that we should hold non-Christians to Christian standards no matter what they do. I don't think that Christians should hold governmental office. I agree with my sister when she says that all Christians have days where they are atheists. I think that we should live faith-based lives instead of Scripture-based lives. I can't stand the us VS. them mentality of Christianity. I think that if Satan were to walk on earth he would be the most atractive person you would have ever met and if you were to pass Jesus on the street you would have to double-take to make sure it really was Him. I think He is much different then we think. My best friend from high school turned out to be gay and I say love on him just like before and stop trying to scare him into believing in God. I think that drug addicts can be Christians and can possess more love for people that either you or I could. Every time I join my co-workers for a smoke break I am tempted to ask for a cigarette. Most of my music is not from Christian artists, infact some songs even have a few swears in them. I have struggled with depression and self-mutilation. I am 20 and I am single. There is still a sting from what happened in my last relationship and I'm not really motivated to date anyone. I don't want kids. I want to live in the middle of the city surrounded by artists and people who have different beliefs than I do. I get jealous. I get angry. I get sad, sometimes for days. Every time I see an unusual bright light in the night sky I find myself praying that it is my savior coming to take me home. I think that wonder is worship and, as romantic as it sounds, wonder is a key component to having a relationship with God. Joshua Harris makes me angry. I think that Kandinsky was right when he said that abstract paintings could reflect a heart of worship just as much as traditional iconographical paintings can. And I'm not really sure "Jesus loves you" is the answer to everything. Just because I’m saved doesn’t mean I have the right to judge. I think that more of life is lived in the gray areas than in the black and white.
Does this mean that I fail as a Christian? Really what do you think? Is your first impression “Wow, Dara, that is sad when did you fall away from your faith?”. Honestly is it? I'm not writing this to shock you. I'm just telling you where I stand. Please, if I am so wrong let me know and show me which direction I should walk in. I'm just laying my life on the line and telling you where I stand. It’s just that I am constantly reminded of my humanness and my need to acknowledge that. I’m just so tired of fake Christians and this over simplifying of life that comes along with our fear of questioning. I am happy, I really am. I love my God and I love my life and things are better than they have ever been but these questions and thoughts just keep gnawing at my soul. I’m just being real here people. If you feel the need to pray for me out of pity- go ahead, I could use prayer and so can you, it’s for everybody and all the time. Things with God are amazing. I’m really laying everything down before him, including all of this. I think that if you are honest enough with yourself you might find the same. Just pondering.
Thanks for listening.

SCHOOL

Here I sit. At school. HAving just bought my books. I must confess that I am a little nervous and part of me is wondering what I am doing here. But I can tell that it will be a good challenge. I have my first class in about 45 minutes and I am kind of scared. I've never taken a hands-on art class before.
**Lord, please help me. Guide me and calm my nerves. Don't let me be intimidated or scared. Let me know that I am here in your arms. I love you.**

School tomorrow!!

This is my latest work. The excitement for school just bubbled over!! YAY. I have school tomorrow. I finally know where I want to go and what I want to do, and I'm doing it. I'm so excited for this. Good luck to all of you either starting school or returning. I hope that your semester is and exciting as I know that mine is going to be!!

Love you all...

Friday!!

On Friday, after I got off of work my brother and I made a day of it. Here it is in pictures...



We took the train into Vancouver.





Here are our tickets to Science World to see the Body Worlds exhibit and the Omnimax film. It was awesome!!







Afterwards we ate lunch at Red Robin and we were soooooooooooooo full!!






Ofcourse wehad to stop at the Rocky Mountain Chocolate factory for dessert!





There was a DVD sale at HMV on Robson, so I bought two more to add to my collection.





In gas town I found a wonderful art store/gallery. I bought this book for cheap and added it to my library.





We were on the skytrain when the roof of BC place stadium collapsed. Oh my!!






At the end of the day, when we were full and had gotten over the shock of what happened to BC place stadium we hopped on the train and headed back home.






I guess al the excitement just wore Pietr out! Have a good nap Piet!!


Exciting, eh?

Happy New Year!

Well, happy 2007. I hope that 2006 delivered on it's promise for life and love and I hope that 2007 continues to do the same. Last night showed me just how unpredictable life can be. I had plans to ring in the new years and there were so many options. I was going to be with my friends and ring in the new year in a new and independant way. I was so stoked. Then at 7:30, got a call from a co-worker saying that she was sick and needed me to cover her shift. Half-asleep, I agreed. Once I woke up, however, I wanted to call her back and tell her to shove it and find someone else. I didn't, and be grudgingly I went into work. At 11:30, I looked at the cook and she was grinning ear to ear and was gathering pots from the back to bang at midnight. Okay, maybe this new year won't suck like I thought it would. At midnight, standing outside in the cold, we rung in the new year. Myself, my cook, her finacee and our group of regulars. It really was a celebration. As the new year came upon us, I was filled with an overwhelming sense that God is good and that I am where I am meant to be. I seem to have found myself, or rather God has seemed to show me who I am. A human, nothing more and nothing less, and that there at Rocko's is my family, as dysfunctional and messed up as they are. Each soul unique, and beautiful, fashioned by the hands of a loving and merciful God. I am called there. That is my mission field, even if I don't change a single soul and no one even knows my name, I will have shed light where none was present. I am constantly reminded that these are the people that my God came to walk with, heal and eventually die for. And I am thankful for them all.