Caterpillar

"What is death to the caterpillar is a butterfly to the master"
Ponder that for a moment...
Okay, now that you are done pondering, guess where I heard that quote...
Yup, you guessed right--it was at a photography conference. I was recently going through some old journals of mine and poof there it was....big as pie. I heard that quote when I was in a place of searching for God and all my efforts were futile. For some reason it stuck though, and for some reason I never associated it with photography but with God.
It really seems to apply in my life right now and I have started to ponder the idea myself. As you may know, I have deviated from the plans that I had set out for myself. I seem to have come across something better, God's plan. As hard as it is for myself to lay down my plans and follow into the unknown and as hard as it is for those around me to see me give up something that I have worked so hard to achieve, I know that something much better lies ahead.
It is a death--- a death of my expectations, my parents' dreams, the world's hope for me to get rich and live well. But as a Christian I should be willing to deny myself for God right?? Let's ponder deny...okay...definition--to refuse to recognize or acknowledge; disown; disavow; repudiate. I like that. This summer I have layed down my life, my worldly self has died to the desire of my King. My life is no onger my own. Please rise and have a moment of silence out of respect for the caterpillar within me who can only cling to the dirt on the ground looking at the sky hoping to soar...she is dead. I have been immerged from my coccoon ready to soar. My life will never be the same. Instead of spindly little legs I have been given wings. Great big beautiful wings, full of color and hope. Wings that carry me wherever the wind blows. I suddenly have a new perspective. Things of this world seem so small, so insignificant. My new world is so much bigger, so much brighter and so much more in tune with God. He is the wind that guides me and I have every faith that what I am doing is His will. He has humbled me and alone deserves the glory for anything good that can come from me. It is in His arms I rest and in Him that I trust.

**God you know what you are doing..Help me trust that. Keep me humble so that I can hear your voice. Remain faithful and true and allow me to honor you in all that I do. Your ways are much higher than mine and your plans are far, far greater. Thank you for this freedom and thank you for these wings. You truly are a great God. You are my heart's desire. I love you. And in you alone am I satisfied. Mould me and make me. I am at your feet.**

Emloyment Agreement Package

I built a fortress, with a hundred thousand faces,
I'll keep it safe, with a hundred thousand more.
But these masks are wearing thin, as You draw me in.

I spent my time on the empty and the fleeting.
I spent my life on much less than what I'd dreamed.
But I'm reaching out to You, to make me new.

'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.

You tell my story as You sift between the pages.
I feel redemption in the space between each turn.
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?
Could You take me in Your arms,
And tell it just once more?

'Cause I am just a beggar, here at Your door.
I am just a shipwreck here on Your shore.
I come empty handed, ready to see,
Your life in me changing who I've been,
To who I need to be.


I sit here and in my hands I hold my "employment agreement package" that I have to sign and give back to the head honcho here at the ranch. With every pen stroke I do more than just sign my life away for 3 months of scrubbing toilets here at Timberline- I resign my hopes and my desires to the true king. In a sense I turn my back on my parents and I jump, with everything that I am, into the unknown. I'm so scared--- and soooo tired! I have been here for the past 10 weeks, cleaning and vacuuming, running on about 6 hours of sleep a night and I feel part dead. I've past the point of physical exhaustion and I've hit spiritual exhaustion. God is soooo good because only He is carrying me through this. I'm soooo scared, but I know that God will show up and I will trust that He is faithful. It feels like this is the first time in my life that I have thrown caution to the wind and have allowed God's voice to be the reason in my life. I am nothing more than a servant, and He is my king. It is Him I serve and no one else.

**Lord Jesus, hold me and catch me as I jump. You are my king and I love you. I will praise you because you have been so good to me. Restore my spirit and give me rest. My life is yours. I know that you will guide me. Banish my fears and lift me up so that I can see your goodness and see where you are guiding me. Hold me tight, here I go!!**

End of week 8 out of 10

As summer comes to a close I find myself excited, terrified, joyous and sad. Excited because I know what lies ahead for me, terrified because I know now that I am only living this way because I am following God and it is going to take all my strength to lean on Him, joyous because I have learned so much and sad because I feel that my time here is not done. My quest for being satisfied only by my creator has proven a challenging road. It requires a check almost every five minutes--there are days when it just comes naturally and days when I can seem to do everything but. I have taken many leaps of faith this summer, but my biggest is yet to come. Something about living in active and constant service to the King has changed my heart. I came to Timberline this summer with a plan and almost right away that plan was thrown upside down. Life is so unpredictable when you are serving an untameable, unpredicatble God. Nevertheless He is good and has blessed me beyond what I could hope for myself. I just need to hang on and enjoy the ride.

**LORD JESUS, TAKE ME WHERE YOU WANT ME TO BE. I LAY MYSELF AT YOUR FEET AND ASK THAT YOU WOULD USE ME BEYOND ANYTHING THAT I CAN IMAGINE. GUIDE ME AS I JUMP AND CATCH ME IF I FALL. MAY YOUR WILL BE DONE IN MY LIFE AND MAY I REST IN YOU.**