Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Praise the Father, Praise the Son and praise the spirit three in one

Such a praise to God for all He does and all that He is. He has answered my prayer to be at camp this summer with a job that has more hours and pays more than my current one. To make things even better the job I have now will re-hire me in the fall!!
I know that this summer will not be easy--I always learn alot of hard lessons at camp-- but I know that it will be amazing because my God wants me there. I am excited to serve Him in active ministry. Such an answer to prayer. And I am soooo excited to be able to share my testimony and be blessed by other testimonies.

All creatures of our God and King,
Lift up your voice and with us sing,
Alleluia! Alleluia!
Thou burning sun with golden beam,
Thou silver moon with softer gleam!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Allelu-u-ia!

Thou rushing wind that art so strong,
Ye clouds that sail in heav'n along,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Thou rising morn, in praise rejoice,
Ye lights of evening, find a voice!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

And all ye men of tender heart,
Forgiving others, take your part,
O sing ye! Alleluia!
Ye who long pain and sorrow bear,
Praise GOd and on Him cast your care!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

Let all things their Creator bless,
And worship Him in humbleness,
O praise Him! Alleluia!
Praise, praise the Father, praise the Son,
And praise the Spirit, Three in One!
O praise Him, O praise Him!
Alleluia! Alleluia! Alleluia!

This is the song that truly encompasses how I feel. God your greatness is beyond words....THANK YOU MY SAVIOR...

Friday, June 23, 2006

Story of Hosea

The story of Hosea is a bittersweet one. It is a tale full of heart breaking, gut wrenching, and selfless love. In this Old Testament God calls Hosea to do the unthinkable. God calls one of his very own, a prophet of high standing, to marry a prostitute. Now, I don’t know about you, but if I thought that God was calling me to marry a prostitute that He had found in some shady hotel downtown you can bet that my reaction would be that Jonah’s—to flee to the furthest place I could find in hopes that God would realize His insanity and forget the whole idea. Hosea on the other hand did not. In obedience to His creator he took the prostitute Gomer as his wife.
As crazy as all of this sounds, there really was a deep and moving reason that God called His servant to do this. Israel, at the time, had gotten mixed up. In the Message chapter one of the book of Hosea is labeled, “This Whole Country Has Become A Whorehouse”. Israel was under the reign of a king who endorsed the worship, and worshiped himself, idols. Israel had forgotten the God that had brought Moses to them and who had rescued them from slavery. They had forgotten the God that had plans to restore their lands and who had promised a savior to wash away all of their sins. Hosea and Gomer’s relationship was a parallel of God’s love for his people and the nation of Israel. God wanted to teach His people a lesson through the obedience of His servant Hosea.
Hosea and Gomer had three children and each one is reminder of how God felt about His people. Hosea’s first child, a son, was named Jezreel, as a warning to his people that they would pay for the massacre that happened there. The second child’s name was Lo-ruhamah, meaning “Not Loved”. God had gotten so fed up with the Israelites and their idolatry that He no longer wanted to forgive them. To look upon them tore out the very heart of God. Their third child was named Lo-Ammi which means “Not My People” this was God’s way of telling them that He had officially disowned them and was going to leave them to their fate.
When I was growing up I always thought that the God of the Old Testament was a violent angry God, bent on tearing down and destroying anyone who stepped out of line. I think that is why I find it so astonishing for me to find some of my favorite verses in this book. High school was hard for me. I was never the kind of kid that ever really fit in. I remember hating lunch and breaks between classes because that was the time that normal kids huddled into their cliques and crowded in the cafeteria. Not me. I was kind of kid that hid in the library, or in senior high I hid in the photo lab hoping to escape the humility of publicly eating lunch by yourself. But nothing prepared me for life after high school. I did not transition well. Finding a job was tricky and eventually I got a job as a photographer’s assistant one day a week. The rest of the time I sat around the house and eventually, as with what most high school grads go through, I went through a period of depression. Being inactive and isolated made me angry and very sad. It seemed that life got a little darker everyday. Most of my friends had full-time jobs or where going to college full time, so no one that I knew seemed to be struggling like I was.
My walk with God wasn’t very healthy either. In my darkness all I seemed to get from Him was silence so slowly my life moved in without Him. For almost a year I didn’t read my Bible and I wasn’t looking to be rescued. Eventually I got so desperate that one day in February I cracked open my Bible. I found the book of Hosea and clumsily began reading it. After reading about God not forgiving His people and then disowning them I was surprised to read Hosea 1:10,
“In the place where it was said to them, 'You are not my people,' they will be called 'sons of the living God.' (NIV)

To read that although this vagabond nation had willingly turned their backs on God He took them back lifted my almost numb heart. But, I was stopped dead in my tracks when I read this
For I will be like a lion to Ephraim, 
 like a great lion to Judah. I will tear them to pieces and go away; I will carry them off, with no one to rescue them. Then I will go back to my place until they admit their guilt. And they will seek my face; in their misery they will earnestly seek me. "Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds. After two days he will revive us; on the third day he will restore us, that we may live in his presence. Let us acknowledge the LORD; let us press on to acknowledge him. As surely as the sun rises, he will appear; he will come to us like the winter rains, like the spring rains that water the earth."
(Hosea 5:14-6:3 NIV )

As I sat on my couch reading this passage I could slowly feel my soul awake. I knew that in my heart I hadn’t been living much of a godly life. I had worshipped other things in place of the most high and my life was in shambles because of my choices and my actions. Looking back I realized that I ignored the nudges and whispers of God to come out of my sinful life. Like a spoiled child I cried out to be left alone. For what seemed like an eternity I had been feeling like I was walking alone. All of a sudden I was faced with an image of a God who totally contradicted every single notion that I had of Him. Here was an image a God who wanted to restore His people and bind up their wounds.
That night it was like God reached down from heaven and put my heart back together. He honestly cared about me and longed to have me back. He restored my life and showed me love and compassion that no other idol could bring. I still have my struggles and some days it all seems hopeless, but when I fall to my knees and earnestly seek God I know that He holds my life in His hands and armed with his compassion and love He will rescue me. After all that is what Yahweh means, “ever present rescuer” and that is what He wants for you too. Let His compassion and mercy reach into the depths of your soul. If God can restore an entire nation, surely He can restore you too.

Monday, June 19, 2006

Now what?

This post is seriously a cry from my heart. No pretending here. No cutsie little parrallels, no fun stories...just me.
For the past few days I have just wanted to cry. I have no idea howcome or what brought this on. My journal has filled with everything from the high notes of the utmost praise for my savior to the lowest notes of "why God?, why all of this heart ache?" Last summer was horrible. After being a relationship where repressing all of my desires and emotions seemed the only appropriate course of action--- I cracked. I hit rock bottom. I had to reach up to try my shoe laces. Severe depression coupled with a hectic schedule and the estrangement of friends left me one option. Self mutilation.
During the day I was a hard-working, happy, outgoing girl. But once the house was asleep and all I could hear was the rustling of the trees, I would fall apart. At some point crying out to God turned into cutting. And that spiraled into this horrible cycle of hating myself and cutting then hating my self for cutting so doing it again...and so on. Until I got caught...
Forced to stop, I eventually learned to do without and I started walking through my depression with the hope that there would be light at the end of the tunnel. Eventually the light came, and when it came it was amazing. It was like God dropped out of the sky right there into my living room. I swear I could hear the very voice of God as He told me that I was loveable and that He loved me and wanted to restore everybit of my life. And that is what He did. In one night he broke my depression and spoke to me in ways that I never even imagined. I have seen my savior in a new light, not just as a lover but as a restorer. Precious few get to see that. I have truly been blessed and looking back I don't know if I would change a thing.
So why are you complaining you may ask?? Well my biggest fear is that I will walk through that depression again. I sooooo don't want to ever be there again. The thought of that separation from my maker makes me cry. Walking through a time in your life where you can't even see your hand in front of your face, honestly scares me.( I am not strong enough to do it again and I plead with you Lord not to make me do it again..I'm so scared. Can't you see how scared I am that I may be headed for that again...Lord I'm clinging to you, please don't let me go.)
Depression feels like your best friend died, it feels like the last person on this earth that you could ever trust has just died. You find yourself sleeping in to avoid the sun and you realize after a month or two that you haven't opened your window blinds for a while. You can't handle the day to day and laughing hurts..not physically but deep down inside of you, you know that it is fake.
Lord Jesus to you I life this fear. I love you and I thank you for restoring me. your love is amazing and your mercy is infinate.please Jesus stop this fear from taking hold and stop me from walking down that path again. Lord I lay at your feet. Tether me to your love and stop this anguish. Be the eye of the storm and protect me on all sides. Hold me Lord, Hold me...